A form letter for your instructor!

Dear Dr. (Insert Name Here)

Why did I receive that grade on my assignment? I did not read or follow the instructions and I didn't read the feedback you gave explaining my grade, but I'm sure that none of that matters because I worked really hard on it. That just isn't fair. I thought that maybe because I am emailing you now you could explain everything to me and be merciful because I need this class to graduate. Unlike every other student in this course, I am not just taking this class for fun so there should probably be some wiggle room for my GPA.

I also don't understand why I didn't get credit for the paper that I turned in late even though you said you don't accept late work. I couldn't buy my book because my financial aid hadn't come through yet, the internet was broken, my daughter in law went into pre-term labor, I am dealing with some mental illness, and I don't know how to use a store anymore. I realize the deadline was at 11:59 pm, but I turned it in at 12:05 so it's basically the same thing. Didn't you get the email I sent at 11:55 explaining all of these issues? You didn't respond in time so I really didn't have any other choice but to turn my assignment in late. I'm also a super busy person. I just don't think that it is fair to require people to turn things in on time because sometimes they have busy weeks.

Finally, I don't understand anything in this class and it is really hard. I don't really like using particular writing style so I don't think that it is fair that you require that of us. I don't even know how to find information about the things you are talking about. I didn't watch any of the screencasts, links, tutorials, or google any information on my own, but I could just tell that it wouldn't be helpful. I also discussed with you why I don't think that I should follow your instructions regarding how to make my assignment better. I just want to write it my way because I know how to write, so why do you keep marking it down? Why do you insist on making this class so hard? I don't think it is fair for students outside of your major to have to take a class that is so hard in your major.

I have never gotten below an A in a course before and now you and this class are ruining my GPA. I just want you to know that I am going to decimate you in my teacher ratings.

Please have mercy on me and give me a better grade. This is a religious school and Jesus said that you should be kind.

But seriously I am going to rip you a new one on my course/teacher evaluations.

Your student,

(Insert your name here)

My own lifestyle blog

So I was reading a friend's instagram feed and she was talking about a lifestyle blogger and trying to imitate some of the styles she had seen on that particular blog. What is a lifestyle blogger you ask? Well it is someone who posts pictures of their fabulous life so that you can be jealous/want to be just like them/secretly hate them a little because they are perfect.

As I read through the blog I thought, "You know, I bet those 5 people who read my blog have really been wanting me to show them how to live their lives better. I mean clearly I have really got it all together."

So I have decided to have mercy on all of you and let you in on some of my awesome lifestyle secrets.


Q. Is that your own hair and how do you achieve such awesome hairstyles everyday?

A. Uh, this is totally my own hair though it's taken years for me to perfect. This particular hairstyle is called a "ponytail." You take an elastic band and wrap it around your hair 3, maybe 4 times. Don't feel bad if you can't get it right at first. If you really need one I can post a tutorial someday.

Q. How do you achieve that stunningly hot bod?

A. Oh this old thing? Thanks! I don't know, I've just had it laying around for forever. It is probably assisted a lot, however, by generous portions of french fries and not exercising enough.

Q. How do you do it all?

A. I am just really good at things. Plus I know all the trendiest ways of dressing, teaching, decorating, parenting etc. I'm probably the best person that you know.

Q. Where do you get your amazing wardrobe??

A. I'm so glad you asked! This is one of the awesomest tips I could ever give. Buy a $4 shirt at Target to wear when you are pregnant and then you can wear it almost everyday for the next 3 years. Win, win, win.


Q. How do you keep the romance in your life alive?

A. My husband and I are always super worried about making sure that our lives stay romantic. We spend tons of money keeping our romance alive through doing plumbing together, yardwork, laundry, sitting through endless horrible soccer games, et. We can't help it, we are just super romantic people.

Q. How do you get such beautiful photos of yourself?

A. The credit for this one all goes to my amazing husband. Brian is so in love with me that occasionally he gazes at me across a room and I look so beautiful that he is compelled to take a stunning picture of me. Then he likes to upload it onto some sort of social media platform so that we can bask in my glory and share it with others.


If I can come up with any other tips for how you can be as awesome as me (and as slightly awesome as the rest of my family), I'll let you know.