Appreciate your day-to-day people dang it!

Have you ever noticed that the closer you become to someone the more you begin to take them for granted? From my Social Psychology background I suppose I would say that it has something to do with habituation. We tend to slowly grow used to certain situations over time until they become unremarkable and insignificant to us. For example, at our old house Brian and I were awoken by a train honking every single night for the first few weeks we slept there. After we had lived there over 8 years we didn't even notice the sound anymore, we had completely habituated to the sound. 

I think that we must do this with our relationships as well. I remember being a young teenager and having my parents or friends tell me they loved me or that I was smart or that I was beautiful. I would throw it back at them, "Well you have to think that! You are my mom/friend!" What a cruddy way to discount someone else's opinion. My oldest just did this to me the other day. I told him that he is a great kid and that if I had anyone to choose in the world I would pick him. He said, "Well you have to think that, you are my mom." The funny thing is that now as a mom, I really do see how beautiful, smart, capable, and wonderful my children are. I see the hidden, fabulous things that other people don't get to see because they don't know them in the same way and have the same relationship with them. Rather than having my opinion count less I see that my opinion should count for more. But habituation folks, it happens. 

Habituation clearly happens in marriage. Just today I was thinking, "Why does Brian insist on kissing me every time he leaves, I am so busy I wish he would just let me do my thing!!" Seriously? Here is a person who loves me and wants to express that love to me before they leave and I just wish that they would leave me alone? I can guarantee I didn't think like that when we were dating or when I was single. Likewise, if I need something I expect that he should drop everything for me. Why would I think that our relationship should work in such a one sided way and that I could so wholly take another person for granted and yet still expect them to be around? Habituation, I tell you!

Finally, I have noticed this in my friendships or other relationships as well. I have friends who cancel longstanding plans on me at the last second because old friends called and they couldn't possibly pass up seeing them. Or who ask me to watch their kids so that they can hang out with friends they don't see as often. They don't invite us over for dinner or out on a date night--why? Well because they see us all the time! (Side note--do we actually see each other more? We don't go out or have play dates, we hang out at our own houses because we are busy with our day to day chores when we are at home.) 

Today I had a mom call me and ask to send her son home from my house where he was playing with my son. He had a new friend show up to play so she wanted him to come home and play with this new friend instead. You may think I'm way off base but I really wonder, why would you teach your son that this was appropriate behavior? Is it really ok to suddenly drop a friend or loved one that you see more often for a different friend who showed up unexpectedly? 

Is the quality of your friendship and the worth of an individual lessened due to frequent interaction? I would pose that it is actually worth more.  

My neighbors feed my children and invite them into their homes daily. I love them for this and I value them. They are teaching my children and interacting with them almost as much as I am. 

My kid's teachers take them on field trips. They love them and teach them and praise them and scold them. I volunteer for one hour twice a month and wonder how many years at the end of my life have evaporated after said volunteering. It is the worst! And yet, these teachers do this day in and day out. I appreciate them. 

My ward members teach my children for two hours each week. Greyson's gave him a $5 bill for Valentines. Why??? Just to be nice! Everett has had a string of teachers who have worked with him and love and hug him in the halls. It makes tears come to my eyes to see the people who invest in him. There are empty nesters who snuggle and teach my baby and my 4 year old each week for 2 hours. Can you imagine a room full of 2 year olds or 4 year olds for 2 hours? It makes me crazy to think about!! I love and appreciate these people. 

We have neighbors who car-pool my kids, coach their basketball teams, invite them to their home for scouts (heaven help them!), run pack meetings, allow us to cut pinewood derby cars in their garage, and more. We have neighbors that invite us to use their pool often in the summer--just because! 

I've come to notice that people tend to fawn over people that they don't see often, are new, or who struggle for one reason or another. I suppose because they are novel and the habituation hasn't set in as much. I've made the realization, however, that I am someone who sees people that are solid and do the little things every day that make our lives better. Those people usually do not receive thanks or praise or attention. They are discounted or ignored, and it's a shame. 

So look around and appreciate your day-to-day people. Don't take a solid person in your life for granted just because they are always there. In fact, that is just the reason that you shouldn't take them for granted. Because no matter how much someone loves you, over time they will get tired. Appreciate them and express your appreciation. Don't blow them off, those are the people that are making your life possible--they are worth their weight in gold. Treat them that way. 

On having enough

I have been trying to embrace a bit of a more minimalistic lifestyle lately, and let me tell you it sure is a bag of contradictions.

On the one hand I won't lie. I love stuff. Presents? Yes, sign me up! My favorite app is my amazon app so that I can check on the price of anything that springs to mind at any given time. Don't even get me started on how much I love clothes. They are the solution to everything I tell you! (Except that they are not which is why you have to buy more. Duh! Maybe the solution is a haircut...)

On the other hand, there is another part of me that can clearly acknowledge the waste of a life in constant pursuit of things. Sometimes I feel this sense of disembodiment where I can step outside of my own life and watch myself a little. I see myself scurrying here and scurrying there, buying and buying and bringing it home to fill my house. I imagine myself like a hyperactive little hamster squirreling things away and filling their cage with hoarded goods. What is the point of that life? What are those things bringing that are of value or importance? Why am I spending my life running here or there only to acquire something else to fill my home, my time, and my attention? It makes me sick!

Just yesterday Brian and I had a funny conversation about the doctors that he worked with. Apparently he and the doctors were talking and one of them mentioned that he might have to live off of a salary that is triple what we make in a year. The doctor talked about it incredulously saying, "How in the world would I do that? How could anyone expect that of me?!" Brian and I laughed but talked about it increduously. How could he not live off of that salary, we wondered.

We talked about what we would do if we had triple the salary and slowly I started to feel sad. Why couldn't we have more money and have a fancier home with nicer cars and go on super cool vacations? We listed the services we would have, maids, yard guys, and nannies. The trips we would take, Europe, Japan, Australia, you name it. We talked about all of the things we would love to do that take money--lessons, expensive hobbies, etc. Heck I would even consider having more kids!

At one point Brian said, "but honey, you would never see me." I said, "For that money, I would just hire another husband to hang out with." He didn't think that was funny.

I eventually told him we had to stop. "Look at our lives!" I said, "We are so blessed and have so much. The thing is, if we had more we would just want more. If we had nicer things, we would just want more of those nice things."
And the thing is, we have a great life! Things that I am grateful for in my life:

• My health and the health of my children
• A body that responds the way that I want it to so that I can run. I am strong and healthy. 
• My husband is a good man. 
• I have freedom to speak my mind. 
• I have faith that lifts me through dark times. 
• I have so much food that I have to worry about gaining weight. 
• I have so much leisure time that I can do things for fun like exercise, or watch movies, or read. 
• I have a job that I do to make extra money. 
• More clothes than I could ever need. And then when I hate or are tired of my clothes I can buy others. 
• Money in my bank accounts sufficient to cover my expenses. 
• Electricity, heat, plumbing. 
• Cars that work and are reliable. Enough gas to fill them up, and the freedom of having access to both. 
• Free education for my children. 
• A loving and safe community to live in. 
• Family pictures. 
• Fun holidays filled with items off of our wish list. 
• Kitchen gadgets.
• Cell phones and computers, tablets and video games. Access to Netflix and Amazon Prime!
• Enough family and friends that we can't decide where to go on vacations. 
• Enough money to go on vacations.
• Friendship and good neighbors. 
• I could probably itemize a list of a million things in my home that I love. Appliances that save me time and energy, comfortable furniture to relax on, an entire room for me to devote to my own crafts and hobbies, more tools than any one family needs!!
• etc. etc. etc. 

I was telling Brian that the other day I was doing housework and thinking of different situations that I know of. I was thinking that I get so tired of hearing how some people have it so hard and we need to help them when everyone has trials and struggles and hard times. I thought about how I hoped someday we will truly understand everyone's trials and see that life is a struggle at times for everyone. Then I thought about the fact that some people's lives really are so hard and how god doesn't discriminate between those who have it "good" and those who have it so hard. My first thought was, "How unfair! So you live an easy life and another person lives a super hard life, but if you are both good people your reward is the same. It just seems like the person who had it hard should get a better reward." Immediately the thought came to me, "In the context of most of the world, you are a person who has an incredibly easy life. Are you sure you would want that policy after all??"

No matter what we have, it seems that part of the human condition is to want more. When we have a lot, there is still someone who has more to compare ourselves with. When is enough really enough? So I am trying to be content. I am trying to find peace and happiness in what I have. I am trying to enjoy people and experiences and realize that my life is good and that I don't need more "things" to clean, acquire, and worry about. I mean honestly, there are only so many hours in the day to wear my clothes, play with my toys, clean up my belongings, eat my food, etc. What will having an overabundance of these things do for me other than leave me constantly in pursuit of trying to make them all worthwhile. What a hassle.

I'm not sure how to end this soapbox. I still like things, I still plan on owning them. I suppose for me I am saying that I want to be more deliberate in my acquisitions. I want to try to ask myself, am I buying to buy? Do my children really need 10 different outfits or will they be content with four? Am I being content with what I already have and living in a state of gratitude? I hope that I can reach a place where I am and have enough. And I hope that I can nurture that in my family as well.

Housework musings

I know, two posts in such a short amount of time? It's shocking! I also got up at 5:30 this morning, ran twice, had scripture study twice, worked, and vacuumed all before 9:30 am. I am now sitting in my chair waiting to be translated. Might as well blog while I'm at it!

So I have decided that I am going to try to start back into writing with my musings while I do housework. They may be are stupid, but they are what I think about while I do the tedious day to day work of cleaning.

Todays topic--use of the phrase "love story."

Ok, so has anyone seen those crafty signs, or quotes, etc. that say something like, "All love stories are beautiful, but ours is my favorite!"

Whenever I read those I think, "Really? You feel like your life is a love story?" and then I try to imagine the person that puts that on their wall and what they must be like, or their relationship must be like. I imagine that they are in a teenage vampire love novel and that werewolves are lurking outside of their house ready to rip their throats out while they angstily (I just made that word up--go with it) stare into each other's eyes. "I love you so desperately!!" they will say, and then they will die. The end. Whoa, sorry the story got away from me there.

If you have that sign in your house I apologize. Clearly I am the worst and you can't take anything I say personally because, well you know, the worst!

I guess I just think that this is not the reality of my "love story." My "love story" is more like

• Did you take out the trash?
• Thank you for changing dirty diapers! Now why didn't you take the dirty diaper to the trash?
• Jeez we need to shovel the driveway again...I hate the stupid snow. 
• When will you come home? I need a break!
• I love you, now I need to turn over to go to sleep because you touching me makes me too hot/uncomfortable/annoyed. No seriously, don't touch me!
• Did you send in the prescription?
• Costco said you didn't send in the prescription. Again.
• Pack meeting. Ugh. 
• I will love you forever if you will handle (*insert child's name here) and their vomiting/diarrhea
• Aww, you brought me a free dove bar from the hospital? But the kids ate it. Dang it. 
• Thanks for getting pineapple pizza even though it cost $2 more because you know I like it.  (And I also always get a 7 layer burrito at Taco Bell even though everyone else has to get a plain one. The romance!!! Clearly food is my love language...) 

So maybe my sign should read, "You are annoying sometimes and so am I and yet I still like you and you are my best friend. Thanks for knowing all the worst things about me and still coming home everyday to do this stuff all over again. "

But that to me, my friends is life and love, and we are not in a love story. We just love each other enough to work together everyday on all of the unglamorous little things.

Again--not a comment on you if you have a beautiful glamorous "love story."

Remember

• Me=the worst
• Me=thinking while cleaning my own house and having no one to talk to.  

Clearly you are not the one with problems. :-)