On having enough

I have been trying to embrace a bit of a more minimalistic lifestyle lately, and let me tell you it sure is a bag of contradictions.

On the one hand I won't lie. I love stuff. Presents? Yes, sign me up! My favorite app is my amazon app so that I can check on the price of anything that springs to mind at any given time. Don't even get me started on how much I love clothes. They are the solution to everything I tell you! (Except that they are not which is why you have to buy more. Duh! Maybe the solution is a haircut...)

On the other hand, there is another part of me that can clearly acknowledge the waste of a life in constant pursuit of things. Sometimes I feel this sense of disembodiment where I can step outside of my own life and watch myself a little. I see myself scurrying here and scurrying there, buying and buying and bringing it home to fill my house. I imagine myself like a hyperactive little hamster squirreling things away and filling their cage with hoarded goods. What is the point of that life? What are those things bringing that are of value or importance? Why am I spending my life running here or there only to acquire something else to fill my home, my time, and my attention? It makes me sick!

Just yesterday Brian and I had a funny conversation about the doctors that he worked with. Apparently he and the doctors were talking and one of them mentioned that he might have to live off of a salary that is triple what we make in a year. The doctor talked about it incredulously saying, "How in the world would I do that? How could anyone expect that of me?!" Brian and I laughed but talked about it increduously. How could he not live off of that salary, we wondered.

We talked about what we would do if we had triple the salary and slowly I started to feel sad. Why couldn't we have more money and have a fancier home with nicer cars and go on super cool vacations? We listed the services we would have, maids, yard guys, and nannies. The trips we would take, Europe, Japan, Australia, you name it. We talked about all of the things we would love to do that take money--lessons, expensive hobbies, etc. Heck I would even consider having more kids!

At one point Brian said, "but honey, you would never see me." I said, "For that money, I would just hire another husband to hang out with." He didn't think that was funny.

I eventually told him we had to stop. "Look at our lives!" I said, "We are so blessed and have so much. The thing is, if we had more we would just want more. If we had nicer things, we would just want more of those nice things."
And the thing is, we have a great life! Things that I am grateful for in my life:

• My health and the health of my children
• A body that responds the way that I want it to so that I can run. I am strong and healthy. 
• My husband is a good man. 
• I have freedom to speak my mind. 
• I have faith that lifts me through dark times. 
• I have so much food that I have to worry about gaining weight. 
• I have so much leisure time that I can do things for fun like exercise, or watch movies, or read. 
• I have a job that I do to make extra money. 
• More clothes than I could ever need. And then when I hate or are tired of my clothes I can buy others. 
• Money in my bank accounts sufficient to cover my expenses. 
• Electricity, heat, plumbing. 
• Cars that work and are reliable. Enough gas to fill them up, and the freedom of having access to both. 
• Free education for my children. 
• A loving and safe community to live in. 
• Family pictures. 
• Fun holidays filled with items off of our wish list. 
• Kitchen gadgets.
• Cell phones and computers, tablets and video games. Access to Netflix and Amazon Prime!
• Enough family and friends that we can't decide where to go on vacations. 
• Enough money to go on vacations.
• Friendship and good neighbors. 
• I could probably itemize a list of a million things in my home that I love. Appliances that save me time and energy, comfortable furniture to relax on, an entire room for me to devote to my own crafts and hobbies, more tools than any one family needs!!
• etc. etc. etc. 

I was telling Brian that the other day I was doing housework and thinking of different situations that I know of. I was thinking that I get so tired of hearing how some people have it so hard and we need to help them when everyone has trials and struggles and hard times. I thought about how I hoped someday we will truly understand everyone's trials and see that life is a struggle at times for everyone. Then I thought about the fact that some people's lives really are so hard and how god doesn't discriminate between those who have it "good" and those who have it so hard. My first thought was, "How unfair! So you live an easy life and another person lives a super hard life, but if you are both good people your reward is the same. It just seems like the person who had it hard should get a better reward." Immediately the thought came to me, "In the context of most of the world, you are a person who has an incredibly easy life. Are you sure you would want that policy after all??"

No matter what we have, it seems that part of the human condition is to want more. When we have a lot, there is still someone who has more to compare ourselves with. When is enough really enough? So I am trying to be content. I am trying to find peace and happiness in what I have. I am trying to enjoy people and experiences and realize that my life is good and that I don't need more "things" to clean, acquire, and worry about. I mean honestly, there are only so many hours in the day to wear my clothes, play with my toys, clean up my belongings, eat my food, etc. What will having an overabundance of these things do for me other than leave me constantly in pursuit of trying to make them all worthwhile. What a hassle.

I'm not sure how to end this soapbox. I still like things, I still plan on owning them. I suppose for me I am saying that I want to be more deliberate in my acquisitions. I want to try to ask myself, am I buying to buy? Do my children really need 10 different outfits or will they be content with four? Am I being content with what I already have and living in a state of gratitude? I hope that I can reach a place where I am and have enough. And I hope that I can nurture that in my family as well.